A Trip To The Grocery Store
by NiftyPaint24
Summary: Ichigo and Renji have a problem…they're starving and there's no food in the house. They call up Rukia to help them go grocery shopping and head for the store. What could go wrong? OneShot


This one came to me last night…the idea made me laugh

I don't own Bleach (but how cool would that be?!)

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**A Trip To The Grocery Store**

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Renji was digging through a cupboard while Ichigo was going through the pantry.

"Find anything?"

"No. You?"

Renji held up what appeared to be a soup can, but it was missing the label. "Just this 'tin can surprise'."

"Open it and see what it is."

Renji pulled out the can opener as Ichigo said, "I found something! It looks like…it maybe use to be bread. It's hard as a rock though."

"If we soak it in something it might be edible." Renji pulled the top off of the can. "I think these are peaches."

He held the can out for Ichigo to inspect. He took the can, looked at the contents and rolled his eyes.

"Those are pears you dumb ass."

"Oh, same thing. Was there anything in the fridge?"

"I haven't looked."

Ichigo set the pears and half loaf of crusty French bread on the counter and followed Renji to the fridge. They were both disappointed to find a lone can of Bud Lite and an open jar of peanut butter.

"Which one of us gets the beer?"

"We'll split it. Get some cups."

Renji did as told while Ichigo pulled out the two items and put them with the others. He then poured the beer into the cups as equally as possible and of course it wasn't good enough for Renji.

"You have more."

"God, here," Ichigo shoved the cup he was holding into Renji's hand. "Take this one then."

He then split the pears up and attempted to cut the bread. He then realized that there was a healthy coating of mold on the peanut butter.

"Well, this is out."

"Why?"

"Look at it."

Renji took the jar and after a second smiled. "There's a spot _there _that doesn't have any on it."

"Sick! You can't eat that."

"Why the hell not?!"

"'Cause you'll end up with food poisoning or something."

Renji reluctantly threw the jar into the trash. After they ate what little they had, Ichigo suggested that they call Rukia and see if she'd be willing to meet up with them at the grocery store.

"Hey Rukia! Will you go with us to the store?"

::Again? Can't you two shop without my assistance?::

"No, we haven't been since the last time."

::That was three weeks ago!::

"I'm well aware of that."

"What did she say?" Renji cut in.

"She hasn't answered yet."

::You do remember we can't go back to the store around the corner from you right?::

"Yes."

::And you promise that you'll not play football down the aisles again _right_?::

"Yes."

::And you're not going to embarrass me this time _right_?::

"Yes, we promise."

"We promise what?" Renji again interrupted.

"That we won't embarrass her this time."

"I'm not guaranteeing anything."

::What did he say?::

"Nothing. So we'll see you in half an hour?"

::I guess, but you two owe me.::

"Thank you Rukia," Ichigo said in an childish voice.

::You know that pisses me off Ichigo.::

"Sorry, sorry. Thanks again! Bye." Ichigo hung up the phone.

"So is she going to go with us?"

"Yeah, but you have to act like a normal human okay?"

Renji rolled his eyes. "I am normal. You're the freak."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Rukia rubbed her temples as she wondered what the hell she had gotten herself into. Ichigo had disappeared completely from the store after the first five minutes. And now she was trying not to scream at Renji while he was entertaining himself with a potato and a stalk of celery.

"'Why hello Mr. Potato.' 'Hello Mr. Green Stuff. How are you today?' 'Fine thank you. Although I must say I'm not liking the idea of being eaten.' 'Part of the whole circle of life thing pal.'"

An elderly woman was now watching his little 'show'. Rukia groaned, '_Someone please shoot me.'_

"'Still it's not a pleasant idea.' 'No I suppose it's not.' 'Hey check out this guys hair.' 'Yeah, nice. He's a real hottie.' 'Mmm yeah.'"

"Renji, knock it off damn it! And the 'green stuff' is celery you idiot!"

"Jeeze calm down. I was just killing time."

"Well stop it! And do you realize that you made both vegetables male and they were checking you out? It's messed up! Make yourself useful for a change and go find Ichigo."

Renji decided it better to leave her alone and do as told. Rukia turned to the old woman.

"I'm really sorry."

"No, no dear. Perfectly all right. It's not every day you get to see a man as handsome as that having a puppet show with produce. Quite inventive. He even changed voices. I'd hang on to that one."

'_Okay creepy old lady.'_ Rukia smiled. "Oh trust me, we're not together."

"That's a shame."

'_Not really.' _Rukia thought. "Well, I better go find him and make sure he hasn't destroyed something."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Renji found Ichigo at the front of the store flipping though a magazine.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Here. Why?"

"Rukia's freaking out."

"Over what?"

"Everything."

Ichigo continued to read without really listing to Renji.

"Come on, if I don't bring you back she's going to kill both of us."

Ichigo sighed and threw the magazine onto the rack. "Fine."

The two were walking in the general direction of the produce section when they spotted an empty shopping cart. They looked at each other and smiled.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Totally. I get to push."

"No way! I'm not going to fit in the damn thing. I'm pushing."

Ichigo climbed into the cart as Renji held it steady.

"Okay, but we have to be quick and avoid wherever you last saw Rukia. She really _will _kill us if she finds out about this."

"Hurry up and get in."

Once Ichigo had both feet in the cart, Renji pushed off and the two sped down an aisle.

"Make a right at the end!" Ichigo hollered. When they came to the end of the aisle Renji went left. "I said to the right!"

"Well I decided to go to the left! When you steer, you can decide."

When they came down the next aisle they were confronted by a clerk. He yelled, "Stop!"

"Whoa, right Renji! Right!"

"I see him!"

Renji attempted to turn the cart down another aisle, but couldn't quite make the turn and the front of the cart slammed into a display of stacked toilet paper. Ichigo batted away the rolls as they tumbled down on him. Renji quickly recovered and had the cart going again in a matter of seconds. They were now headed towards the back of the store. They soon found several other routes blocked by clerks. At one point Renji ran one down, Ichigo throwing some of the rolls of toilet paper that had remained in the cart at the skinny kid. As they were feet from hitting him, Ichigo yelled, "Get out of the way you idiot!" Simultaneously throwing another roll and connecting with the kid square in the forehead. They were now headed towards the meet counter.

"We need to get to the front of the store."

"I know. I'm trying!"

This was when two things happened. One: the clerks had them surrounded, there was no way they could get back to the front of the store. Two: (after words they would discuss how this was the worst part) Rukia appeared at the end of the aisle. Upon seeing the two she stopped, obviously in shock at what she was witnessing.

"Renji, whatever you do…don't go near Rukia."

Renji began looking for another rout to take away from what he knew would be sudden death. Too late he saw the 'caution: wet floor' sign. He slipped and fell backwards, his left leg folding awkwardly underneath him as he landed. He yelled in pain knowing his leg was broken. He sat up just in time to see the still speeding cart, with Ichigo inside it, careen into a box freezer. The cart stopped and Ichigo kept going, up and over the freezer, landing on the hard unforgiving floor on the other side. Renji couldn't see him but knew he survived when he heard him scream, "My arm!"

Then he caught sight of Rukia storming towards them. A mixture of concern and hatred in her face.

"Are you okay? I am _so_ going to kill you two!"

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Renji sat on the couch with his cast covered leg propped up on the coffee table and ripped open a bag of potato chips. Ichigo attempted to open a can of soda, but failed as his right arm was in a full cast up to his shoulder.

"Rukia? A little help please."

She came from the kitchen carrying a plate with a sandwich on it.

"What now?"

Ichigo handed her the soda with a grin on his face. "Please?"

She sighed and took the soda from him, opened it and handed it back to him and then handed him the plate.

"Anything else Sir?"

"Ewww. Sir…I could get use to this."

"Well don't, because it's not for very long. Just until you two can get around again."

"What would we do with out you?"

"You would probably be dead. You do realize that's the fifth store you've been banned from?"

"This one has actually posted our pictures at the door." Renji said with pride. Rukia shook her head.

"I can't take you two anywhere."


End file.
